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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22870531">Classic John Dies and Goes To Hell, Part Eight</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patchwyrk/pseuds/Patchwyrk'>Patchwyrk</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gender Dysphoria, JUNE EGBERT come the fuck on ao3!!!!!!!!!!!, Misgendering, Trans Female Character, Trans Female John Egbert, Trans Female Vriska Serket, cracking eggs, implied trans aradia, vriska faces her greatest challenge: being a supportive friend</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 07:21:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,975</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22870531</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patchwyrk/pseuds/Patchwyrk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>John Egbert finds himself on a day much less unimportant than average.<br/>Vriska Serket finds an egg, and Gods forbid if she doesn't crack the fuck out of it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>June Egbert &amp; Vriska Serket</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>61</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Classic John Dies and Goes To Hell, Part Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>BIG THANK YOU to @salinesalts and @CEOofGender on twitter for beta reading! Love y'all!<br/>Title is shittily punned off of the song "classic j dies and goes to hell part 1" by Glass Beach.<br/>Please mind the tags.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span class="narrative">    A young man stands in his living room. It just so happens that today is… not any particular day of importance. Then again, there aren’t many days of importance on EARTH C, the world that this young man has earned the right to call home. Though, it is of note that this particular day is not quite as irrelevant as the average day of your life. Today is the day that YOU, JOHN EGBERT, reunite with an old friend. This reunion would not be as poignant if not for the fact that the friend in question is VRISKA SERKET, who very recently FELL DOWN TO THE EARTH FROM FUCKING SPACE. Your astronautical friend will be with you in PROBABLY ABOUT 15 MINUTES. What do you do?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="command">&gt; Check surroundings.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    You’re currently in the living room of your HOUSE, which is the same house that you have lived in since your CHILDHOOD. The walls, once lined with FANCIFUL HARLEQUINS and CUNNING JOKESTERS, now find themselves covered in MOVIE POSTERS, often featuring OLD EX-CONS WITH BIG HEARTS. Except the HALLWAY CERA. You could never bear to take down the HALLWAY CERA.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    Looking at YOURSELF, you find yourself wearing your GOD TIER CLOTHING, which you earned by DYING ON YOUR QUEST BED. You don’t like to think about DYING ON YOUR QUEST BED, however, because it’s VERY FUCKED UP. So they end up just kind of being FUNNY PAJAMAS to you.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="command">&gt; ==&gt;</span>
</p><p>   </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    You spend PROBABLY ABOUT 15 MINUTES shitting around your house and looking at your clothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: John!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="narrative">You actually get</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: JOHN!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="narrative"> so invested in fiddling with one of your COLLECTIBLE NICHOLAS CAGE VINYL FIGURINES that you don’t even notice when-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: JOOOOOOOOHN!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Sweet fucking Sufferer, John, did you go deaf in the…</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Seven???????? years since I’ve last seen you?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Wait, I actually don’t know how long human lifespans are. You honestly might 8e able to go deaf by your a-</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: i can hear you fine, vriska! hello!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: See, there’s the warm welcome I was w8ing for!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Was that so hard?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: no, but you didn’t have to yell! god. gods? </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: i can’t say “me”, that’s stupid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I just swear off the god-8ased vernacular entirely. Can you imagine if i called myself a god while I guided you around? That would 8e a disaster, haha!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: yeah, i can’t imagine following around someone who talks about them selves like that, ha ha.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Haha, yeah.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    You and Vriska sit there awkwardly, for a few moments. Neither of you really know what to say, it seems. Think of something, come on…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: so!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: how, uhh… have you been?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    Lame.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Oh, gr8!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I 8arely got out of that shattered hellhole alive, and you can imagine my chagrin at the surprise crash-landing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: And then I spent several months in a cringe-ass coma! So I’m gr8!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: How a8out you?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: oh, me?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: i’ve been, uhh…</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: kinda just hanging out at my house? talking to salamanders and all that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: you know, normal winner stuff!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: That’s it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: yep! there isn’t really much left to do, yeah?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: ...No, that sucks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: what???</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Do you… really think that winners just stop 8eing good at shit when they’ve won????????</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Jimminy fucking Christmas, are all 8reath players this wimpy???????? Or did I just get unlucky twice?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Honestly, considering my track record I wouldn’t dou8t that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I’ve pro8a8ly still got a couple 8roken 8-8alls to pay for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: so i’m not allowed to just… be?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: i don’t have any big fight left to fight! there’s nobody to push me to action anymore! what’s the point?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: …Is that what this is a8out? Are you serious?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: So, John. No more point, huh? No 8ig 8oss left to tell you what to do?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: yeah, pretty much.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: i mean, it’s not like i could get much done on my own…</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Says who?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: says me! i couldn’t even fix the time line if i didn’t have terezi’s help, and then there was all the stuff with you…</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: you helped me a lot, vriska! and i don’t know how i could match up to something like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: … </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I think you’re underestim8ing yourself, John.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Out of all of the wimps I’ve helped through my storied and legendary career, you are 8y far the one with the most potential!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I would know! I used to 8e that wimp, John!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: 8ut I fought my way out, tooth and nail, and look at me now!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I killed a fucking INVINCI8LE GOD!!!!!!!!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: You could 8e as gr8 as I am, John. You just need a little push!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Try to look 8ack at your experiences. Remem8er how you got here.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Tell me what you remem8er the most a8out Sgru8.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: … </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    You think back. You look into yourself, searching deep within your psyche to find the precise moment, the most poignant memory, the most powerful, character-defining… </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    Wait. Really? That one? That’s fucking it? Alright, you guess you’re going with this one! Gods damn it!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: *sigh*</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: well, if you need to know…</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: … </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: promise not to laugh, alright?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Why would I, John?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: i guess you’re right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: anyway, i don’t remember much anymore. especially from sburb.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: but out of every thing, one thing has always stuck out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: wanna know what it is?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Of course!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: it was, uhh…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    Just say it. Just fucking say it. Get it over with.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: funnily enough, it was when you made me that outfit. the one with the jacket.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    Groan.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: ...Go on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: i don’t know why, but it made me feel so… cool.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: i guess like you, hehe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: then i died, and got my god tier clothes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: those are cool, but…</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: it didn’t… feel the same?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: i don’t know. I’m probably being dumb.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: …</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: …</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: vriska, are you alri-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    ...What’s she thinking. You see her somber, understanding expression slowly morph into the smuggest, shit-eatingest grin you’ve ever seen. It appears she thinks she’s figured you out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Oh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Ooooooooh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: How did I not realize this sooner????????</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: what are you talking about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: So, Eg8ert. You liked the outfit I picked out for you, huh?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: ...that’s what i just said, yeah.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Just 8ecause it looks cool?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: i don’t see any other reason why i would…</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Think it has something to do with the fact that you were wearing girl’s clothes?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: …</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: no.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: no, that’s stupid!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: that’s stupid, and we’re done thinking about it, moving on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: No, now you’ve piqued my interest! That response was faaaaaaaar too reticent, Eg8ert, and you know it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: So how a8out you spill the fucking 8eans?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    What the fuck. What the <em> fuck</em> .</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: there are no beans to spill!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: i’m a man! i’ve always thought i was a man, and i don’t see any reason that that would change.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: im twenty three fucking years old, for fucks sake! if i was trans gender, or something, i would have figured it out by now!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: like roxy did!! Like YOU did!!!!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Do you really think there’s like… a time limit?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I thought the same thing you did, Eg8ert.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I didn’t figure this shit out until I was like… 5 sweeps old. More or less.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: 8y then, all of my friends already had their shit figured out! You kinda had to figure things out fast on Alternia.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I couldn’t. I didn’t… have time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN: were you busy a lot when you were young?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: More than you could possi8ly fucking imagine.</span>
</p><p>   </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    Vriska stands there for a moment, silently. You can’t really think of anything to say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Are you sure there weren't signs? Think a8out it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN?: nothing that isn’t like… normal teen stuff!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN?: like… just kind of hating my body. nothing crazy!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN?: so what if i hate having hair all over me!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    Despise. You despise it. With every ounce of your soul.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN?: i don’t need a reason to want to shave! It’s not some condeming evidence of secret fucking gender troubles!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I never said it was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN?: good, because it’s not.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: What a8out your hair? You look like you haven’t cut it in months.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    You were jealous of Jade’s hair. You’ve always wanted long, curly hair like that. It’s not the only thing, either.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN?: i just like it better that way!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I thought so, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN?: shut up!!! just fucking shut up!!!!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN?: i’m not a fucking girl!!! i’m not!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    Are you sure?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="june">JOHN?: i’m...</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: i’m... </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: i’m a fucking girl. fuck. FUCK.</span>
</p><p>   </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    You strike your coffee table. Why? Why you??? Why NOW??????? You’re so caught up in the moment that you barely notice that you’re crying. Like a fucking baby. What would your dad think?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Hey, uhh…</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Shit.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    Vriska is clearly out of her element here. She never really struck you as the comforting type.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: i must just be gay. i have to be! gay people do stuff like this, right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: but i like girls!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: wait, am i a fucking lesbian now? that’s so stupid!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Hey!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: i know, i know, sorry, that sucked. i suck!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: i’m so fucking pathetic! i couldn’t even figure out my own damn gender without a girl helping me along.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Hey. Heeeeeeeey.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Slow your roll there, partner.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: You’re not pathetic for needing help with shit like this. And that’s coming from me!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Do you wanna know how I ever even found this shit out a8out myself?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I didn’t. I would have never figured it out if it wasn’t for a very good friend.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I don’t know if you ever met her. Her name was Aradia. We used to FLARP together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: She figured out this gender shit loooooooong 8efore I did. 8asically while we were still wigglers!</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Even then, when I started freaking out a8out all this, she was there to help me. It didn’t matter to her that I found out so much l8r.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: She actually got me my first pair of girl’s clothes! Kinda like I did to you! :::;)</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Sometimes you’re a8le to go it alone. Other times, you need the help of those who are closest to you.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: That’s something I learned fairly recently, Eg8ert. I think you should try to learn it, too.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    Maybe you spoke too soon. She did help you stop crying, after all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: ...yeah.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: yeah, i think you’re right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: thanks for listening to me go through this, vriska. i’m…</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: really confused right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: confused, and sad, and…</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I get it. Really, I do! And I promise you, it does get 8etter with time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: That doesn’t make it easy. 8ut it makes it attaina8le, and that’s something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???:i guess you’re right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: And hey! I’m always here, yeah? I don’t really think I can go anywhere soon, to 8e honest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    Vriska puts a hand on your shoulder. It’s actually kind of awkward, because you’re a good bit taller than her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Good luck, uhh…</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Joan Eg8ert? Huh?</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: no, that doesn’t sound quite like me. i... </span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: i’m gonna ruminate on names for a bit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Sounds gr8 to me, Eg8ert.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: …</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    She gets up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: Good luck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: I’m uhh… gonna go now. May8e visit Strider.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="vriska">VRISKA: See ya.</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="june">J???: bye vriska.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="narrative">    Vriska strides out of your living room, flashing an uncharacteristically friendly smile as she walks out. You elect to remain on your couch, at least for a bit. You have a lot to think about.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="june">JUNE: me damn it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
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